


Smelling Like Roses

by LordTraco



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Everyone Needs A Hug, Gen, Headcanon, Introspection, Post-Steven Universe: The Movie, Steven Universe Future Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:35:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22141153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordTraco/pseuds/LordTraco
Summary: The scent of a rose used to be calming, if a little melancholy due to association with his late mother. Now, however, it was an unwelcome side-effect of this new power Steven held. He could hold it in, though. He could hold all of it in.(A hint of projecting + a couple fun angsty headcanons + lots of hugs and love = profi--I mean this fic)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 77





	1. Gravity and Gravitas

It smelled like roses. He hadn't realized it, but every time he tapped into the power of his gemstone in a fit of rage, everything smelled like roses. It wasn't pleasant. That overpowering odor hit like a punch and left everything tasting bland for the rest of the day.

Once he'd noticed, it hurt worse. The thought of it haunted him in his sleep. He dreamed of another life where roses were a calming scent, her scent, her own scent. He dreamed as her sometimes, of how she discovered flowers that just happened to match her color. He dreamed other times as his younger self finding comfort in her pink hues and rose decor.

Maybe the scent was an attempt to calm him, leftover from a lifetime of repressing and forgetting. A sweet sentiment, but it didn't work.

It only angered him more. Even when all the universe was told how he wasn't pink diamond or rose quartz, somehow his own body hadn't gotten the memo. It smelled like betrayal and lies.

He went to Jasper again, never saying a word. She didn't acknowledge him, but that was all he needed. He let his anger boil over, knowing that if nothing else, the fight-loving gem would hold him off. 

He let the rose smell fill his lungs. He let the hue of his gem overshadow his presence. He let his rage dent the ground with the slightest tap of his fingers.

He let the rage polish into a refined hatred that sat neatly in his gut. The smell settled from an overpowering odor to a mildly irritating yet ever present scent.

His glow tapered off as he stood, noting the crater around him with none of the usual shock or regret. As he took a step he noticed it left far too heavy a footprint. After a few more careful steps, he found he could apply his antigravity enough to soften it back to normal. 

He took an hour just relearning to walk and ignore the taste of rose. It was a good thing he had his tasteless protein shake, as anything else would have made him retch.

…

Jasper watched the fusion with mild interest. It was more interesting than her usual routine, but she knew fighting an unrestrained diamond was asking to be shattered. So she kept it to a small interest like watching a rock crack slowly, rather than a hopeful interest that a combatant would elicit.

It was strange to see the power of her diamond shining through the small form the first time, that pink rageful stare. Her hopes had been dashed when Steven pushed it back down and apologized. So weak. She knew better than to ever hope for her diamond to come back.

So this view of barely restrained power in her lifeless home didn't bring her any hope. It would be hidden and lied about, proclaimed dead as her diamond had been. It didn't bring her any hope, no, but it made her happy. Her diamond was never coming back and her beloved war was lost, but the power was not gone. The remnants of her diamond lived on and this time she was the one who knew the truth.

This time, no one could shatter her with a revelation. This time she had the power to shatter others with a single truth. She had no reason to seek others out to do so, but power was always nice to have. Power was what she lived for.

…

He knew Jasper was watching, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered. No, the spike of fear that jolted in his heart said that it mattered that he stay unnoticed, that others presume him fine. Jasper didn't count. 

And so he made his way back home, so focused on making his footprints the correct heaviness that he didn't notice barely missing a passing beetle. 


	2. Chili and Croissants

Something was off when he returned home. He couldn't trust his nose when it still could only smell roses, but he thought something was cooking. He couldn't trust his eyes because his peripherals were a blinding pink that set him on edge, but he thought he saw Pearl. He couldn't trust his touch because he knew if he didn't control it, the slightest brush would break his home to the ground.

That left his hearing, which thankfully let him know the others were in his room. From the sound of it, Amethyst had reached a high score on one of their games and she was showing off to Garnet.

"Steven?" Ah, Pearl was cooking, thankfully too preoccupied to look at him. Something in the back of his mind said she would know just from a look that something is different. "Good, you're home, Greg found a me vegetarian recipe book and I'm attempting a chill-ee."

Food as a concept sounded fantastic, but even imagining that taste mixed with roses had him nearly bolting for the bathroom. "Er, I ate while I was out, but I wouldn't mind keeping some as leftovers. I'll get the others."

He turned in time to miss eye contact with her, anxiety lessening greatly. The others might notice something off, but Garnet and Amethyst didn't… didn't…  
They didn't know Pink. That's right. They would only think it's a human thing. Only a human thing.

"Hey Shtu-Ball! I hear it's Together Dinner time!" 

No. No no. Panic rose in his chest as he froze on the stairs mid-step. He forgot his levitating for a moment and the step below him cracked and splintered.  
He hugged his chest as his vision went pink, as his lungs seized up in rejection of the rose scent, as all he could hear was the shattering of wood and worried voices.

Then he was embraced, the softness so familiar he teared up. For the first time all day, he smelled something calming, the scent of bulk car soap and van air freshener. It smelled like home and soon he lost that smell because he was sobbing and all he could do was sniffle as his nose started running.

The many questions from the gems stopped abruptly and Steven knew his dad had probably motioned to them to stop. "Steven, we'll talk this out when you're ready, but right now I think food will do us both good. Do you want chili?"

Steven shook his head.

"Do you want to walk to the bakery?

Steven paused. It would hurt not to see Lars there, but he needed the walk, and a plain croissant sounded good right now. 

He nodded.

"Ok. Pearl, we'll be back soon and I'll taste test the chili. I'm sure it's perfect!"

"Take as long as you need," Garnet said, placing a gentle hand to Steven's shoulder. The double meaning was not lost on him.

He couldn't trust his voice, so he nodded a thank you as he got up and out the door. Greg followed close behind. He told himself he was only seeing things, that there's no way Garnet was crying.

"Steven, walk slow." Greg set a casual walking pace next to his son, not continuing until they matched strides. "I don't know what's going on, and I won't make you tell me, but I want to at very least give you all the time you need."

Steven tried to respond, but everything felt either too snarky or too placating. 

"Steven, you know how proud we all are of you. And you know we're all here for you in whatever path you take forward. But I want you to understand that if you never did a single thing the rest of your life, I'd still love you, kiddo."

"Dad…"

"You don't have to be a pork chop."

"Wha- Are you saying I'm a hot dog?"

"I'm saying you don't have to be perfect. You know how imperfect your mom was, but in the end, she was kind and thoughtful and saw the best in everyone."

Steven stopped, looking down. It tore him up inside, but he couldn't work up the rage. 

"She-"

"Stop."

"Ok."

Steven was a little taken aback. There was still calmness in the air, a quiet patience. He could breathe. He didn't smell roses.

"I'm still torn up about her. First she was a perfect being of kindness I could never live up to, then she turned out to be a liar who hurt and corrupted and left people behind, people who believed in her, who needed her, who just wanted not to be lonely and…" he looked up at the sound of soft bells. The pastry shop. Lars.

Lars, Sadie, all his friends leaving, leaving, leaving Spinel behind, guilt, hate and guilt. Guilt at leaving her behind, at leaving the crystal gems behind, at leaving Greg behind, at leaving Steven behind, at leaving himself behind. Anger at being left behind. Hatred, hatred at being left behind with all her problems, all her guilt.

"I hate her."

He clutched his chest as he felt himself… unfusing. Terror struck him like never before. He was going to unfuse and die.

"Steven calm down, Steven!"

Greg. Dad. Love? Love. Guilt-but love. Forgiveness. Stay together. For dad.

He was pulled into another hug, an enveloping calm that had him fusing a little more than expected.

Steg stood, brushing off the sand from his legs. He took a deep breath, felt his stomach rumble, and decided food was a necessity.

He loved the experience that he was. He loved the world and all its pleasant wonders. He loved the taste of the pastries he bought, even if sometimes they tasted like dry roses. 

Steven and Greg unfused on the walk back, each quietly mulling over what they felt from each other. 

Steven couldn't bring himself to hate anything, especially not while eating a tasty croissant. He mulled over how much of today's outbursts could have been from going without food for too long. Not all of it of course, but it felt like a good step forward.

Greg, on the other hand, fought his own battle against feeling useless. He could barely believe how much had been ailing his own son this long. He hoped the gems might have more ideas.

They barely got up the first flight of stairs before Garnet had jumped down to tightly hug Steven, regardless of the food crushed between them.

"Missed you t-"

"I saw a future where…" Garnet couldn't finish, tears streaming down brim behind her visor.

"This isn't that future, Garnet." Greg gave her a reassuring pat on the back, but got pulled into the hug.

"Thank you."

"I love you both, but I kinda need the bathroom real quick?" Steven said a bit too abruptly. It was like he'd been in a gem's form all day, only just remembering he had human necessities.

"You'll make it." Garnet said with a grin, letting him go. 

He jumped the rest of the stairs and ran to the bathroom.

"He nearly unfused, Garnet." Greg shook, running a hand anxiously through his hair. "It looked just like you splitting to be Ruby and Sapphire. Just after saying he hated his mom. That's. That's not good, is it?"

"Whatever you did to stop that was correct." Garnet pulled him into a proper hug. "You brought him back whole. None of us could have."

"What??"

"I looked. There was no future where any of the Crystal Gems could have helped him tonight. He needed you. Thank you."

"He's my son, you don't need to thank me for helping when I can." Greg tightened the hug, moved by the gratitude as it pushed away his feelings of inadequacy.

"I know." She ended the hug and patted his shoulder, again letting her multi-meaning response settle in. Then she leapt up to the doorway to check on the others, leaving Greg rolling his eyes and muttering something about him being the only one who takes the stairs correctly.


	3. Apprehension and Apologies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've felt extremely underappreciated both at home and at work as of late, so please enjoy something totally in no way inspired by that!   
> Also shout out to all the lovely people who have commented on this, you inspire me to keep writing and make me feel appreciated! Thank you!

Greg followed the others inside, seeing the relief wash over the gem's faces as the news broke that all was well. Or at least stable. The shattered step he'd pulled his son out of was cleaned up so as not to give everyone splinters, but there simply was no stair there anymore. Greg didn't want to think more on that, and thankfully Amethyst gave him a distraction.

"Hey man, so you helped Steven? How? We've had no luck at all in getting him to open up!" She kept her voice down but still a bit too loud.

"Just by being there. Sometimes you're the one they need to talk to and sometimes you're not. Can't force it."

"Hmm." Amethyst looked a little disappointed at the answer.

Steven came out of the bathroom looking far better than usual. His smile looked more genuine, which unsettled his dad because he realized just how much he had gotten used to the hiding smiles.

"Hey Steven, so I figured if 'chill' was in the name that Pearl was doing it wrong so we put your food in the freezer." Amethyst said, brightening up.

"That's not-"

"The recipe specified to let it cool, but I wasn't sure." Pearl acquiesced as Greg and Steven shook their heads and chuckled at the gem's antics. It was familiar and nice.

Steven quietly wondered how long it would take for the conversation to get back to him, but it never did. Throughout the evening, he sometimes caught his dad giving little looks to the gems to keep their patience. It was nice not feeling pressured to open up while also knowing that they understood something was wrong. 

It felt like that time he fell out of the warp. He was lost, directionless, hopeless. But then Garnet had caught him, saved him, and finally understood what he had tried so hard to say. His family never caught on until things got dire, but they always did eventually. 

He stopped breathing for a moment.

When would the cycle start again? What will they next misunderstand or not listen about? How close to death will he get next time? 

He started feeling cold.

Does only the end matter? Pearl didn't blow him up in a rocket or see him plummet to his death. Garnet hadn't let him die alone in space. Amethyst only shifted to look like his mom the one time. In the end it always worked out.

But would it always? Would he always be lucky enough to get through to them? If he isn't needed for saving the universe or running Little Homeschool, would they even make the effort?

Did he need to be needed because it was the only reason anyone made an effort to connect with him? Would the cycle still end the same when he's unneeded? Will anyone find him in space this time?

He took a breath and noticed the TV they had been watching was oddly slow. It took a moment to realize it was the same power he'd seen as Smokey Quartz. Everything was slowed, but only for him.

He could leave, he realized. He could leave in the warp pad or through the door and be gone before anyone could stop him. He could leave all of it behind if he wanted.

He entertained the thought for a while, thinking of everywhere he could go and visit, before realizing he didn't need to run. They'd all gladly see him off on his next adventure if he made a decision. He could break the cycle himself.

He had to break the cycle himself, no one else would. 

Things got quicker again as he calmed down with a plan in mind.

"Hey Steven, what was that just now? You glowed and were breathing all fast!"

"Weird powers kicking in, it happens. Anyways I-"

"Steven, if your gem is acting up, we should really focus on that." Pearl said.

"It's not acting up, it's just-"

"You have to acknowledge it as a part of you that reacts as you would." Garnet warned in a concerned voice.

"I do acknowledge it as being my gem I just-"

Pearl started to say something more, but Amethyst put a hand up to stop her, then put it on his shoulder. "Go ahead, dude, we're listening."

The frustration he hadn't realized was clogging his throat like rose petals suddenly vanished and was replaced by unexpected thankfulness. What had started as angry tears became the twinges and sniffles preceding another bout of tears. He wasn't used to this.

"She's right, we're sorry Steven, please continue your thought." Garnet said, Pearl nodding in agreement so as to let him room to speak.

"I. Thank you. I… I never feel listened to so this is. Um. I need a minute."

Greg ruffled his hair affectionately, "Take your time, Schtu-ball." 

"I think. Well I thought that I needed to escape. That staying around would only lead back to things going wrong again. That no matter what, I'm going to be misunderstood until I'm in life threatening danger, and only then will I be… heard… but, heh, you're proving me wrong on that count." He said, sniffling towards the end. Tears were flowing freely again, but he didn't care to stop them. It had been a trying day.

"Steven… I'm sorry. I really do apologize for not always taking you seriously or listening well. I've been trying to do better, but I won't excuse my past behaviour." Pearl said, looking down to her hands. She looked… small almost. Not defeated or hurt, just small and apologetic in a way he wasn't sure he'd ever seen before.

Steven pulled her into a hug.

When they pulled away, Garnet pulled him into one next. "I'm sorry too, Steven, I've tried so hard not to let you be hurt physically over the years, but I rarely stopped to think what could hurt you emotionally."

When they pulled away, Amethyst practically tackled him into a hug. "My turn! I messed up a lot, like A LOT-a lot! But you always inspired me to be better. So I really am sorry I hurt you, and I hope we're still worth hanging with even if we may mess up again!"

"You guys!" Steven was touched.

"Is it my turn yet?" Greg asked.

"A lot of mess ups means a lot of hugging, you can hug him tomorrow." Amethyst said.

"Amethyst!" Steven laughed, trying to playfully pull away from the hug, but she kept tight.

"Steven!" She replied in the same tone, smirking.

He rolled his eyes and smiled brightly as light began to shine and they fused.

"I win! I'm still hugging me, in a way, but I'm also not hugging me! All around win!" Smokey declared happily.

"You win on a technicality, huh?" Greg asked, smiling at the playful antics.

"I'm just that good! Though geez, I'm tired, wow." Smokey unfused slowly into a concerned Amethyst and a tired looking Steven.

"Sorry, I think with all the emotions of today I'm gonna need to call it an early night."

**Author's Note:**

> No promises i'll continue this, but I am always open to talk headcanon and ideas.


End file.
